All or nothing. A slippery slope.

Living gratefully today, I have deep appreciation for ongoing recovery from alcoholism. The close calls and pain of my drinking days have not been forgotten. The people who helped me in those times, and who also steered me to recovery, have my undying gratitude. The fellow recovering alcoholics and addicts who walk this journey with me are bright spots in my life and close to my heart.

It was during a conversation with some of my recovery friends that this poem started taking shape:

All or Nothing

All or nothing thinking

almost killed me.

“It all matters and must be done.”

“None of it matters and neither do I.”

All or nothing thinking plagues

every alcoholic and addict I know.

It comes down to waking up with either

our own self-will or spiritual willingness.

Great Spirit’s will isn’t all or nothing.

It lands between the two,

a gentle and patient guide.

The only extremes accepted:

I love ALL of you, unconditionally.

NOTHING is worth drinking over.

-Lisa Valentine-

Alcoholism is an all or nothing disease. Once it kicks in, it will accept nothing less than all of you–body, mind, heart, and soul. It is a slow suicide. It will stop at nothing to keep you drinking or get you drunk again. That kind of force needs to be matched with a greater spiritual force, a force larger than human. My daily recovery is about staying connected to that greater spiritual force. Nature, healthy practices, and supportive family and friends all help me tap into it.

To make way for this gentle and patient guide in my life, I needed to feel plenty of pain and numerous rounds of failure–failure to control my drinking, then failure to quit drinking. I still know failures and difficult emotions in life, but I woke up sober today and for the last 12,160 days. A day at a time, anything is possible.

This picture, captured on our first snowshoe walk of the season, reminds me of the slippery slope of all or nothing thinking. The blue sky is recovery, wide open with opportunity. Moment by moment. Day by day. When I bring humility and gratefulness into those moments, there is less slipping into toxic thoughts, less sliding into the dangerous area of “never enough/always too much.”

This tree is still standing. So are you and I. Onward!