Body, Mind, Heart, and Soul (Once an Alcoholic, Always an Alcoholic)

Today, I celebrate another day of recovery, and another year of days of recovery, one at a time.

I have not felt the effects of alcohol intoxication for 37 years, but I do continue to feel the effects of alcoholism. When I was first coming to terms with being an alcoholic, I hated hearing “Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.” I did not fully understand the steel grip of addiction and that it would take more than personal strength and willpower to quit drinking. Nor did I understand that quitting drinking was just the beginning. It was removing the symptom. The disease remains.

Most days, I accept alcoholism more than I fight with it. And by “it” I mean my dearest alcoholic mind. That is where the real crux of addiction lives, at least for me and so many others I have walked with on this path of recovery. Our minds. We make light of it with quips like “my mind is out to get me” or “my mind is like a bad neighborhood, I never go in there alone.” We maintain a sense of humor to help us reset. Serious work, deadly disease. A little levity releases the grip.

I am a runner. Back in my drinking days, I would sometimes go for a run with a pretty tough hangover. Sweat it out. The alcohol and the mental torture of what I may have said and done in a blackout. Drink by drink, negative thought by negative thought, replaced by stride after stride and endorphins generating more endorphins.

I am a journaler. Back in my drinking days, pen and paper saved my life. The thoughts and feelings that came out of my head and heart had the power to kill. Alcohol was my pain reliever, my escape. I didn’t understand then that my escape was also my prison. The words that came out, felt and expressed, were like a pressure valve being slowly opened and releasing the malicious self-hatred and self-pity.

I am a peace-seeker, in my own head and heart, in my soul, seeking to enlarge my spiritual being and sense of place in this Universe. Daily work for a daily disease. It is the best work that I do. It’s all about the kind of energy that emanates from me. When I was intoxicated, or when the “ism” flares up still on some days, the energy flowing from me is uninviting and ungrateful.

I seek the good energy of recovery.

Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Today, these words are a reminder and a motivator.

I have the tools of recovery always available to me, along with supportive and loving family and friends. And a recovery community that lifts me when I fall into the “ism” and allows me to give back in service to others, making us all stronger and more resilient in the face of a formidable disease.

This is my story. Maybe there are things that you have read in these paragraphs that land in your heart, that grab you in a new way, that you take issue with. Any and all of those mean that you received my words with an open heart and mind. I encourage you to write your own story.

Today is the most profound gift and opportunity that I can receive. Years don’t add up if days aren’t taken with a balance of effort and acceptance, work and rest.

This poem lands for me today. Alcoholism lived in me before I started drinking. The healing is where ongoing work helps ever-growing beauty and peace emerge. Onward, just for today.