Seventeens/July 17

Seventeen years ago today, July 17, 2008, I headed to my first-ever surgery. It was a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy to address cancer in my right breast. I learned of the cancer diagnosis on May 29. Those weeks between were some of the most difficult of my life.

The fear of cancer and the fear of the unknown were rampant. Would I wake up from anesthesia? Had it spread? Would they be able to get it all? Would running be a bad idea, perhaps jarring cancer cells loose to set up shop elsewhere in my body? These and other rational and irrational fears and questions set up shop.

Many answers came after that Juy 17 surgery. I woke up from the anesthesia. What a relief! The sentinel node biopsy was clear. Great news! The lumpectomy successfully removed the small infiltrating ductal carcinoma tumor. More great news! The not-good news was that ductal carcinoma in-situ (DCIS) remained and I didn’t have clean margins because of that. (BTW—I kept running too. My oncologist assured me it was a good idea. One irrational fear put to rest.)

After July 17, 2008, we had a game plan. Key questions had been answered and the mystery of surgery and anesthesia weren’t as mysterious anymore. A re-excision in August was not successful in getting the remaining DCIS, and there would be a third surgery on December 17, 2008—bilateral mastectomy. Four rounds of chemotherapy took place between September and November, to begin systemic treatment.

The seventeens continued to show up. On May 17, 2009, I ran my first half-marathon post-mastectomies. On October 17, 2009, my husband Darcy and I finished the Kansas City Marathon side-by-side. Amazing grace.

Writing over the next year, as I processed being a cancer patient, I also composed these “17 Points of Clarity.”

17 Points of Clarity

1. All any of us have is today.

2. For me, fear of the known is less than fear of the unknown.

3. Having to consider my own mortality helps me cherish my life.

4. Gratitude is a good pair of glasses to wear. It shapes perspective in helpful ways.

5. Laughter is always possible.

6. I can live without my breasts. Just don’t take my heart and soul.

7. Endorphins are free and very effective.

8. You can’t beat having a friend by your side.

9. Faith and a pen can trump fear and despair.

10. An open mind allows inspiration in.

11. My body is just a vehicle. The life in it is what counts. But I take care of both.

12. Drink lots of water. Then drink some more.

13. Three words . . . keep priorities straight.

14. My husband is a blessing in so many ways.

15. Children and pets are great teachers.

16. Life isn’t always fair, but it’s still precious.

17. All any of us have is today.

Yesterday, on a walk, I created this number 17 out of sticks, and then paused to take 17 seconds of video of the Vermillion River flowing past. More seventeens to experience and add to the list.

Seventeen years ago today, I was a frightened cancer patient. This morning, I understand “all any of us have is today” to the depth of my soul and being. Today. Live it fully. Live it gratefully. Let it flow. Onward!