Why me? Why not me?
“Why me?” This question, in my own mind and heart, often became a source of self-pity. “Why me?” plagued me in my young life, my active drinking, my early sobriety. Why am I an alcoholic? Why is life so hard? Why can’t I find a man? Why are my problems so hard to overcome? Poor me. Poor Lisa. New self-pity fed the self-pity already there, and it created a pit I wasn’t able to leave. Pity in the pit. That was my bottom.
A recovery friend recently used the question “Why me?” and it immediately evoked a response in my heart and a fresh perspective in my head. When I was a few years sober, my dear recovery friend Terrie gave me some solid advice—instead of focusing on what you don’t have, give some thought and word to what you do have. She also gifted me with the journal that would become my first gratitude journal.
The true transformation that can happen in recovery, and by living gratefully, began happening in my life and is still playing out in simple and profound ways. The “Why me?” became “Why not me?”
I had a good amount of sobriety in my life, nearly 19 years, when cancer became the second disease to afflict me. I certainly had moments of “Why me?” then, and I still can now. But I don’t dwell in them, or the fear and complacency they foster and fester.
Living gratefully helped me through the challenging times of treatment and surgeries, not by glossing over the rational fears and the realities of chemo and mastectomies. Rather, by giving me energy I needed, and by bringing thankful contemplation. Perspective in the short walks I could still take on my worst post-chemo days and in the post-mastectomy healing that had me able to reach the shelf I hadn’t been able to reach a few weeks earlier.
Today, this question of “Why not me?” motivates and inspires me to step into new experiences. Experiences like spoken word and open mic events. Experiences like caring less what other people think and leaning more into the vulnerability that opens wide the doors of new growth.
This “Late Bloomer Living Gratefully” asks herself “Why not me?” It is beautiful music to replace the sad song of “Why me?” Onward!
A late October bloom I captured while visiting in Iowa.
